I'm At A Loss

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  • Hey all, StAr here.

    Allow me to preface this post by saying that I by no means wish to seek pity or attention for what I am about to say here. I guess you could say I’m just thought-dumping since, upon attempting to return to the RGL scene after a couple seasons of absence, I’ve had a lot to think on and about since taking hiatus and coming back. This is just a self-reflection, if you would, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

    I left the competitive scene for two reasons:

    1. The time commitment and mental stress began to weigh down on me. I work full-time, and I needed to dedicate myself to my real world needs and, thus, competitive TF2 took a back seat;

    and 2. I feel like no matter what I do or how good I get, I’ll never get anywhere.

    It is for this second reason that I left and, more recently, have come back. I want very badly to prove that I’ve gotten better, I want very badly to prove that I’m not the meme I once was in my early RGL and past UGC days, and I want very badly to at least make myself happy with where I am and where I want to be.

    My goal has never been Invite, or even Challenger, or, even for that matter, Advanced. I just want to be seen as someone who is competent, who can pull his own weight, and who can and has shown both a willingness to get better and actually have improved at this game we all love. It is this goal that has driven me to return.

    But it is also this same goal that has left me feeling hopeless. I feel like every time I try out, every time I ring, every game I play I don’t amount to much even when that is demonstrably false. It’s no secret that while my name is well known it’s not usually, if ever, mentioned or seen in a very positive light. It’s a stigma that I’ve been trying desperately to break by trying to break into higher levels of organized play and improve my gameplay in ways that are noticeable for the better. It’s why I made the conscious effort to attempt to mitigate my handicaps by getting a mouse; it’s why I train my aim with a friend in a private server before I ring for matches; and it’s why I decided to try and make a return to the competitive scene. But every experience I have had as of late has told me one thing:

    That it’s probably for the better that I laid low and never came back.

    In every recent game I’ve rang for, I’ve either done remarkably poor (whether it is by fault of me or the teams I choose to ring for is beyond me, though I am highly certain it’s a good mix of both) or the team I’ve played for has done similarly. Even when I ring for supposedly solid teams, the impression that I leave with leaves me questioning whether or not I should have even advertised ringing services at all because, as of yet, every team I’ve rang for has done remarkably poorly with me on the roster.

    I don’t know if this is because I’m just that bad or if it’s just bad luck, but whatever the case it makes me feel as if I’m cursed to forever be, or at least be seen, as a bad player. Any teams in recent memory that I’ve asked to ring for that have taken me up on said offers have done remarkably poorly; either we get rolled, or we do notably worse than what said team is supposedly capable of. Many teams I try out for, whether I do well or not, end up picking someone else up even when I have done well and carried my weight. I know I still have a long way to go on the road to improvement, but I feel as if no matter how good I get or how well I do, it will never amount to anything since all I’ve seen is nothing but a path of ruin. It’s like every team I’ve touched as of yet recently has done poorly with me ringing and nearly every team I’ve played on in the 10 seasons of my competitive career has done either notably mediocre, done badly, or died at some point during the season. Whether it’s fault of mine or not, I’m starting to think that it is indeed me that drags teams down; I can’t tell if this is true or not but whatever the case it leaves a sick feeling in my gut and ends with me feeling resentful and frustrated.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I try and get better but I still do badly. I try and market myself but I guess old stigmas die hard; and whenever I’m actually bought up I feel like I end up ruining every team I play for. It’s discouraging, it’s frustrating, and it’s highly depressing. I’m probably overthinking this too much and I’m probably overreacting, but I can’t help but think I’m cursed to forever be that one bad Engineer player.

    I don’t know guys, I just don’t know.

  • sheesh

    how do you practice out of scrims and matches? mge? dm? kovaaks? pubs? nothing?

    the practicing that you do with your team is the best practice that you will get, but you should also realize that every other player in the game gets that same time block to practice, so you need to put more time into improving yourself outside of the weekends

    imo the best way to get better at engineer is to never stop improving your dm, the average engineer in main and below is pretty bad at aiming. training your aim is the best way to set yourself apart

    you can try different methods of practice to figure out which one yields the most results for you, but if you aren’t willing to put in more time than the next guy, you’re never going to get better

    e: your post would be better spent in dms with a mentor than on a public forum

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